Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Dear Kraft Mac&Cheese,
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.

Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda

the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?

(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)


Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda

Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda

Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?

Monday, November 05, 2007

Dear Dental Hygiene Product Industry,
Please tone down the grossness of your ads. I get it: Brushing your teeth is important. Flossing is a necessary evil. Mouthwash will save the very soul of your teeth. I got it. We've all got it. We don't need such gross terms as "plaque-bugs" in our heads forever. Cause eww, gross.

Thanks,
Minty-Fresh amanda

Dear Across The Universe,
Have I told you lately that I love you?

XOXO
amanda

Dear Psuedo-Rocker at Work,
Yes, you have have, in fact, mentioned that you're in a band. Every hour, on the hour, since the day we met. I do not suffer from short term memory loss. I know that you're in a band and that you just work at the bookstore for fun. But therein lies the problem. It's not fun. I know it, you know it, that guy hiding the porn in Christian Fiction knows it. Also, you're not actually working. You're standing around talking about your band. So, here's my advice. Shut up. Also, put this book where it goes. Oh, and to answer your question, yes, the books are in alphabetical order. No, by author. ...Author. It means the person who wro... you know what? On second thought just stand over there and be quiet.

Keep on Rockin!
amanda

Dear Guy Hiding Porn in the Christian Fiction Section,

Quit it.

thanks-a-million!
The BAM Staff

Dear Heroes,
WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? Why do you keep doing this to me? Can't we have any answers before you present more questions?

Confused, but still full of love,
amanda
PS. Thanks for all the Milo.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

So, wanna know something weird? I write letters in my head to people around me. Mostly at work.

For example:

Dear Over-40-coffee-drinking-guy,
Please stop trying to flirt with me. You're just embarassing us both. More you than me. Just take your coffee, leave me my 15 cent tip and go. You're holding up the line and the woman behind you is a better tipper.

Thanks!
amanda

To the two young women currently holding up the line,
You've been standing in line for a few minutes. You should know by now what you want to drink. The menu board has not changed since you walked in. Please stop staring at it with your mouth hanging open. You should have used your line time wisely.

Sincerely,
amanda

Dear Cassie-Ann's Mom,
I don't know your name, I only know your daughter's name because you spend hours sitting in a chair with your head stuck in manga constantly yelling CASSIE-ANN! without ever actually looking up and/or doing anything about the fact that she's pulled a row of books off the floor and hit another kid. Please at least attempt some parenting instead of leaving it to everyone else.

Yours Truly,
The entire closing shift of Books-a-Million

Dear General Manager of Books-a-Million,

Please ban that demon child Cassie-Ann and her mother.

Thanks-a-million!
the staff and customers of BAM

Dear Chris,

Just. Shut. Up.

Love,
the world

Dear Blog Reader,

Stop laughing at me.

Amanda