Dear Robert Irvine,
HA! I KNEW IT. Cooked for the royal family, my foot. I never really liked your show anyway. Always so pompous with the people helping you. "I've cooked for Presidents and Kings" What. Ever.
You know, Bobby Flay doesn't have to lie.
Amanda
Dear Food Network,
Given the incident with the guy from Next Food Network Star lying about the details of his service in the military and now Robert Irvine "embellishing" (Read: flat-out lying. The liar.) his resume, perhaps it is time to institute a policy where you ask for references and you know, actually check them. Seriously, it's called a fact-checker. Look into it.
Maybe I'll just stick with Top Chef for now,
Amanda
Dear Batman,
Hi. How's it going? I don't really have anything to say to you, but Joel required a letter to you.
So.
Sorry about your parents. That's a real bummer. It's nice that you've turned your thirst for vengence into a way to help society at large. Good for you. Not sure it's entirely healthy, but whatever. As long as it helps you sleep at night. Or during the day. Or whenever bats sleep.
Love the belt,
Amanda
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Dear Iron Man,
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Dear Customer,
Because you are well over the age of 40, living in a capitalism driven country and it's 2008, I'm gonna have to assume you've bought something at a store before. This assumption leads me to believe that this process is not new to you, as it is pretty much the same in every single store. So, it should come to no surprise to you that PAYMENT will be required at some point in the transaction. So, please, PLEASE, at least give this a passing thought before you get to the front of the line. Please do not start searching in your wallet or purse or pockets AFTER I have finished ringing you up. Frankly, I'm beginning to think the soup nazi had it right all along.
No Coffee for You!
amanda
Dear Customer,
Please be advised: Regular is not a size. At least not here. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to say the ridiculous names - tall, grande and 20 ounce. I agree, those are fairly ridiculous. I will gladly accept small, medium and large. But regular is not a size. It is a type of coffee. So, when you ask for a regular coffee and I ask what size, do not reply with 'Regular.' Clearly, this wasn't enough the first time, it's not going to be enough the second time. You're NOT CUTE. Also, when asked what size, miming the size with your hands will not be acceptable either. That's just dumb. You've had drinks before. You've had coffee before. You know about what size you want. This isn't the movies, if you ask for a large it's not like I'm going to hand you a 64 ounce coffee.
Please learn to function in society,
amanda
Dear Customer,
If you don't know what a drink is, don't pretend you do! You don't have to fake it with me. I won't think less of you if you ask me to explain a drink. I won't treat you like you're stupid. Well, I'll try not to anyway. But please, PLEASE, do not order something if you don't know what it is. If you don't know what a double shot of espresso is, trust me when I say you won't like it. Also, the cappuccino at a coffee shop is vastly different from the one at the gas station. So don't order a cappuccino and come back and complain that it's not sweet. All you have to do is ask! That's it. Not knowing the difference between a Breve and a Caramel Macchiato is nothing to be ashamed of. JUST ASK.
Full of knowledge and ready to impart it,
Amanda
Because you are well over the age of 40, living in a capitalism driven country and it's 2008, I'm gonna have to assume you've bought something at a store before. This assumption leads me to believe that this process is not new to you, as it is pretty much the same in every single store. So, it should come to no surprise to you that PAYMENT will be required at some point in the transaction. So, please, PLEASE, at least give this a passing thought before you get to the front of the line. Please do not start searching in your wallet or purse or pockets AFTER I have finished ringing you up. Frankly, I'm beginning to think the soup nazi had it right all along.
No Coffee for You!
amanda
Dear Customer,
Please be advised: Regular is not a size. At least not here. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to say the ridiculous names - tall, grande and 20 ounce. I agree, those are fairly ridiculous. I will gladly accept small, medium and large. But regular is not a size. It is a type of coffee. So, when you ask for a regular coffee and I ask what size, do not reply with 'Regular.' Clearly, this wasn't enough the first time, it's not going to be enough the second time. You're NOT CUTE. Also, when asked what size, miming the size with your hands will not be acceptable either. That's just dumb. You've had drinks before. You've had coffee before. You know about what size you want. This isn't the movies, if you ask for a large it's not like I'm going to hand you a 64 ounce coffee.
Please learn to function in society,
amanda
Dear Customer,
If you don't know what a drink is, don't pretend you do! You don't have to fake it with me. I won't think less of you if you ask me to explain a drink. I won't treat you like you're stupid. Well, I'll try not to anyway. But please, PLEASE, do not order something if you don't know what it is. If you don't know what a double shot of espresso is, trust me when I say you won't like it. Also, the cappuccino at a coffee shop is vastly different from the one at the gas station. So don't order a cappuccino and come back and complain that it's not sweet. All you have to do is ask! That's it. Not knowing the difference between a Breve and a Caramel Macchiato is nothing to be ashamed of. JUST ASK.
Full of knowledge and ready to impart it,
Amanda
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Dear Kraft Mac&Cheese,
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.
Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda
the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?
(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)
Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.
Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda
the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?
(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)
Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?
Monday, November 05, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Dear Dental Hygiene Product Industry,
Please tone down the grossness of your ads. I get it: Brushing your teeth is important. Flossing is a necessary evil. Mouthwash will save the very soul of your teeth. I got it. We've all got it. We don't need such gross terms as "plaque-bugs" in our heads forever. Cause eww, gross.
Thanks,
Minty-Fresh amanda
Dear Across The Universe,
Have I told you lately that I love you?
XOXO
amanda
Dear Psuedo-Rocker at Work,
Yes, you have have, in fact, mentioned that you're in a band. Every hour, on the hour, since the day we met. I do not suffer from short term memory loss. I know that you're in a band and that you just work at the bookstore for fun. But therein lies the problem. It's not fun. I know it, you know it, that guy hiding the porn in Christian Fiction knows it. Also, you're not actually working. You're standing around talking about your band. So, here's my advice. Shut up. Also, put this book where it goes. Oh, and to answer your question, yes, the books are in alphabetical order. No, by author. ...Author. It means the person who wro... you know what? On second thought just stand over there and be quiet.
Keep on Rockin!
amanda
Dear Guy Hiding Porn in the Christian Fiction Section,
Quit it.
thanks-a-million!
The BAM Staff
Dear Heroes,
WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? Why do you keep doing this to me? Can't we have any answers before you present more questions?
Confused, but still full of love,
amanda
PS. Thanks for all the Milo.
Please tone down the grossness of your ads. I get it: Brushing your teeth is important. Flossing is a necessary evil. Mouthwash will save the very soul of your teeth. I got it. We've all got it. We don't need such gross terms as "plaque-bugs" in our heads forever. Cause eww, gross.
Thanks,
Minty-Fresh amanda
Dear Across The Universe,
Have I told you lately that I love you?
XOXO
amanda
Dear Psuedo-Rocker at Work,
Yes, you have have, in fact, mentioned that you're in a band. Every hour, on the hour, since the day we met. I do not suffer from short term memory loss. I know that you're in a band and that you just work at the bookstore for fun. But therein lies the problem. It's not fun. I know it, you know it, that guy hiding the porn in Christian Fiction knows it. Also, you're not actually working. You're standing around talking about your band. So, here's my advice. Shut up. Also, put this book where it goes. Oh, and to answer your question, yes, the books are in alphabetical order. No, by author. ...Author. It means the person who wro... you know what? On second thought just stand over there and be quiet.
Keep on Rockin!
amanda
Dear Guy Hiding Porn in the Christian Fiction Section,
Quit it.
thanks-a-million!
The BAM Staff
Dear Heroes,
WHAT THE HECK JUST HAPPENED? Why do you keep doing this to me? Can't we have any answers before you present more questions?
Confused, but still full of love,
amanda
PS. Thanks for all the Milo.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Sunday, September 30, 2007
So, wanna know something weird? I write letters in my head to people around me. Mostly at work.
For example:
Dear Over-40-coffee-drinking-guy,
Please stop trying to flirt with me. You're just embarassing us both. More you than me. Just take your coffee, leave me my 15 cent tip and go. You're holding up the line and the woman behind you is a better tipper.
Thanks!
amanda
To the two young women currently holding up the line,
You've been standing in line for a few minutes. You should know by now what you want to drink. The menu board has not changed since you walked in. Please stop staring at it with your mouth hanging open. You should have used your line time wisely.
Sincerely,
amanda
Dear Cassie-Ann's Mom,
I don't know your name, I only know your daughter's name because you spend hours sitting in a chair with your head stuck in manga constantly yelling CASSIE-ANN! without ever actually looking up and/or doing anything about the fact that she's pulled a row of books off the floor and hit another kid. Please at least attempt some parenting instead of leaving it to everyone else.
Yours Truly,
The entire closing shift of Books-a-Million
Dear General Manager of Books-a-Million,
Please ban that demon child Cassie-Ann and her mother.
Thanks-a-million!
the staff and customers of BAM
Dear Chris,
Just. Shut. Up.
Love,
the world
Dear Blog Reader,
Stop laughing at me.
Amanda
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