Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Dear Kraft Mac&Cheese,
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.

Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda

the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?

(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)


Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda

Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda

Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?