Dear Hollywood,
Please stop placing the fate of the universe into the hands of Keanu Reeves. It's just not working. In fact, it'd be awesome if you could stop doing anything at all with him for a while. Unless you're going to make him 20 years younger with floppy hair and let him wander around with that blond guy ... who you'll have to find first, cause apparently he fell off the face of the earth sometime after that bogus Bogus Journey. But whatever. The point is unless Keanu's doing a mean air guitar, I ain't interested.
amanda
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dear Brooke Hogan,
For the love of all that is holy, please don't speak any more. Ever. Like not even to yourself quietly in an empty room. I don't know why you have your own show, but you do. I mean, it's VH1 and we all know while their countdowns rock, they'll pretty much give a show to anyone. Also, I don't know whose bright idea it was to sit you down and let you talk about politics. But they should not only be fired, they should be taken out back and beaten about the head and neck.
Seriously, the idea of someone saying that a woman shouldn't be president because she might get all hormonal once a month and make poor decisions is absurd. The fact that you're a woman yourself, well that's just un-freaking-believable.
Besides, let's be honest here. If a woman in is the position to be even thinking of running for president, she's probably at the age that PMS isn't going to be a big issue for her. Menopause, maybe.
So, if you could just sit down and shut up for a while, that'd be super.
amanda
For the love of all that is holy, please don't speak any more. Ever. Like not even to yourself quietly in an empty room. I don't know why you have your own show, but you do. I mean, it's VH1 and we all know while their countdowns rock, they'll pretty much give a show to anyone. Also, I don't know whose bright idea it was to sit you down and let you talk about politics. But they should not only be fired, they should be taken out back and beaten about the head and neck.
Seriously, the idea of someone saying that a woman shouldn't be president because she might get all hormonal once a month and make poor decisions is absurd. The fact that you're a woman yourself, well that's just un-freaking-believable.
Besides, let's be honest here. If a woman in is the position to be even thinking of running for president, she's probably at the age that PMS isn't going to be a big issue for her. Menopause, maybe.
So, if you could just sit down and shut up for a while, that'd be super.
amanda
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Dear George Lucas,
How 'bout you let us see the 4th Indiana Jones' movie before you start dropping hints about a 5th, hmm?
Choose wisely,
amanda
Dear McDonalds,
First of all, love the Iced Coffee. That 32 oz cup is a lovely idea. And I can also agree that a good chicken sandwhich is indeed a thing of beauty, but I seriously thing that attributing it to the triumph of the American spirit is overstating it just a tad.
Also, everyone knows you're totally ripping off Chick-fil-a and a black and white commercial isn't gonna change that.
Amanda
P.S. I'm not convinced that pickles belong on a chicken sandwich. Ever.
How 'bout you let us see the 4th Indiana Jones' movie before you start dropping hints about a 5th, hmm?
Choose wisely,
amanda
Dear McDonalds,
First of all, love the Iced Coffee. That 32 oz cup is a lovely idea. And I can also agree that a good chicken sandwhich is indeed a thing of beauty, but I seriously thing that attributing it to the triumph of the American spirit is overstating it just a tad.
Also, everyone knows you're totally ripping off Chick-fil-a and a black and white commercial isn't gonna change that.
Amanda
P.S. I'm not convinced that pickles belong on a chicken sandwich. Ever.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Dear The 1980's,
Don't think I don't see this comeback you're staging. Sure, it's subtle, but I know what's going on. I can see the signs. First Knightrider is back on primetime, Madonna's dancing around MTV in her underpants, and most notably New Kids On The Block are reuniting. This, I think, was a particularly low blow. However, it has brought Robert Downey, Jr. to my local theater in a starring role again, so admittedly it's not all bad.
But let's get one thing straight, the hair, in all it's Aqua-Net-ed glory, must STAY IN THE PAST. I think if we can agree on this, we'll all be alright. Because seriously, that hair? Gag me with a spoon.
amanda
Don't think I don't see this comeback you're staging. Sure, it's subtle, but I know what's going on. I can see the signs. First Knightrider is back on primetime, Madonna's dancing around MTV in her underpants, and most notably New Kids On The Block are reuniting. This, I think, was a particularly low blow. However, it has brought Robert Downey, Jr. to my local theater in a starring role again, so admittedly it's not all bad.
But let's get one thing straight, the hair, in all it's Aqua-Net-ed glory, must STAY IN THE PAST. I think if we can agree on this, we'll all be alright. Because seriously, that hair? Gag me with a spoon.
amanda
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Dear DMV,
For the sake of time and my own sanity I’m not even going to touch the absolutely inconceivable amount of time it takes to get anything done there or the incomprehensible system that you use to decide who is next. (I know you’re just back there pulling numbers out of a hat, so just drop the act.) And between the complete randomness of your so-called "system," the apathy and disdain from your employees and the absolute mind-numbing ridiculousness of the conversations going on in the waiting area it’s enough to push any sane person over the edge. And would it KILL you to have a vending machine? Seriously, we’re tired, we’re hot, and we could use some refreshment.
Anyway, like I said, that’s not the point of this letter.
My Question is this:
WHY do you still accept cash only? What other business or orginization do you know that accepts cash only? Huh? Can you think of any? Because I can’t think of one place of business where payment is required that accepts cash only. So what’s the deal? We are almost a decade into the 21st century. What’s holding you back? I think it’s safe to assume that this whole debit card thing isn’t just a passing fad. It’s here to stay. Don’t you think it’s time you started limping you’re way into this century? Join us. It’s nice here.
amanda
Dear Craig Ferguson,
Hi there. I think you’re great. I’ve liked you since you played Drew Carey’s boss. And I think it’s genius that you have your own late night talk show. Genius! I admire the fact that when Britney Spears had just shaved her head you didn’t join in on the bashing. Instead of making jokes you recognized a cry for help and refused to treat the situation with sarcasm. Good for you. Way to hold on to your compassion!
And it helps that you’re stinking hilarious as well.
amanda
PS. the scottish accent doesn’t hurt!
Dear CSI: New York,
I admit I never really gave you a chance. I always thought you were second best. Not as bad as Miami but not as great as Las Vegas. But last week I sat down and gave you a fair shot. I watched you thinking of you as just another crime drama and not comparing you directly to CSI. Now I see that you can hold your own in the crime drama genre. There is a greater focus on characters. And it’s easy to get involved. So, I think you’ll see where I’m coming from when I say this. If you break up Danny and Lindsay I will be most put out. And the boycott will be on. Why do you spend 2 full seasons getting them together just to spend one episode breaking them up? WHY? You are not Friends. Don’t follow the Ross and Rachel Roadmap. That leads to sad and disgruntled fans holding out hope till the VERY LAST STINKING EPISODE. Okay, so maybe that was a little residual bitterness, but the point is still valid. Don’t go there, CSI: New York. It’s not fun.
Your Newest Fan,
amanda
Dear Espresso Shots,
Wow you’re hot. Especially when some strange accidental cup tilt makes you spill across the face. Not fun.
Not fun at all.
amanda
For the sake of time and my own sanity I’m not even going to touch the absolutely inconceivable amount of time it takes to get anything done there or the incomprehensible system that you use to decide who is next. (I know you’re just back there pulling numbers out of a hat, so just drop the act.) And between the complete randomness of your so-called "system," the apathy and disdain from your employees and the absolute mind-numbing ridiculousness of the conversations going on in the waiting area it’s enough to push any sane person over the edge. And would it KILL you to have a vending machine? Seriously, we’re tired, we’re hot, and we could use some refreshment.
Anyway, like I said, that’s not the point of this letter.
My Question is this:
WHY do you still accept cash only? What other business or orginization do you know that accepts cash only? Huh? Can you think of any? Because I can’t think of one place of business where payment is required that accepts cash only. So what’s the deal? We are almost a decade into the 21st century. What’s holding you back? I think it’s safe to assume that this whole debit card thing isn’t just a passing fad. It’s here to stay. Don’t you think it’s time you started limping you’re way into this century? Join us. It’s nice here.
amanda
Dear Craig Ferguson,
Hi there. I think you’re great. I’ve liked you since you played Drew Carey’s boss. And I think it’s genius that you have your own late night talk show. Genius! I admire the fact that when Britney Spears had just shaved her head you didn’t join in on the bashing. Instead of making jokes you recognized a cry for help and refused to treat the situation with sarcasm. Good for you. Way to hold on to your compassion!
And it helps that you’re stinking hilarious as well.
amanda
PS. the scottish accent doesn’t hurt!
Dear CSI: New York,
I admit I never really gave you a chance. I always thought you were second best. Not as bad as Miami but not as great as Las Vegas. But last week I sat down and gave you a fair shot. I watched you thinking of you as just another crime drama and not comparing you directly to CSI. Now I see that you can hold your own in the crime drama genre. There is a greater focus on characters. And it’s easy to get involved. So, I think you’ll see where I’m coming from when I say this. If you break up Danny and Lindsay I will be most put out. And the boycott will be on. Why do you spend 2 full seasons getting them together just to spend one episode breaking them up? WHY? You are not Friends. Don’t follow the Ross and Rachel Roadmap. That leads to sad and disgruntled fans holding out hope till the VERY LAST STINKING EPISODE. Okay, so maybe that was a little residual bitterness, but the point is still valid. Don’t go there, CSI: New York. It’s not fun.
Your Newest Fan,
amanda
Dear Espresso Shots,
Wow you’re hot. Especially when some strange accidental cup tilt makes you spill across the face. Not fun.
Not fun at all.
amanda
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Dear Robert Irvine,
HA! I KNEW IT. Cooked for the royal family, my foot. I never really liked your show anyway. Always so pompous with the people helping you. "I've cooked for Presidents and Kings" What. Ever.
You know, Bobby Flay doesn't have to lie.
Amanda
Dear Food Network,
Given the incident with the guy from Next Food Network Star lying about the details of his service in the military and now Robert Irvine "embellishing" (Read: flat-out lying. The liar.) his resume, perhaps it is time to institute a policy where you ask for references and you know, actually check them. Seriously, it's called a fact-checker. Look into it.
Maybe I'll just stick with Top Chef for now,
Amanda
Dear Batman,
Hi. How's it going? I don't really have anything to say to you, but Joel required a letter to you.
So.
Sorry about your parents. That's a real bummer. It's nice that you've turned your thirst for vengence into a way to help society at large. Good for you. Not sure it's entirely healthy, but whatever. As long as it helps you sleep at night. Or during the day. Or whenever bats sleep.
Love the belt,
Amanda
HA! I KNEW IT. Cooked for the royal family, my foot. I never really liked your show anyway. Always so pompous with the people helping you. "I've cooked for Presidents and Kings" What. Ever.
You know, Bobby Flay doesn't have to lie.
Amanda
Dear Food Network,
Given the incident with the guy from Next Food Network Star lying about the details of his service in the military and now Robert Irvine "embellishing" (Read: flat-out lying. The liar.) his resume, perhaps it is time to institute a policy where you ask for references and you know, actually check them. Seriously, it's called a fact-checker. Look into it.
Maybe I'll just stick with Top Chef for now,
Amanda
Dear Batman,
Hi. How's it going? I don't really have anything to say to you, but Joel required a letter to you.
So.
Sorry about your parents. That's a real bummer. It's nice that you've turned your thirst for vengence into a way to help society at large. Good for you. Not sure it's entirely healthy, but whatever. As long as it helps you sleep at night. Or during the day. Or whenever bats sleep.
Love the belt,
Amanda
Friday, March 07, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Dear Iron Man,
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
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