Dear Hollywood,
Please stop placing the fate of the universe into the hands of Keanu Reeves. It's just not working. In fact, it'd be awesome if you could stop doing anything at all with him for a while. Unless you're going to make him 20 years younger with floppy hair and let him wander around with that blond guy ... who you'll have to find first, cause apparently he fell off the face of the earth sometime after that bogus Bogus Journey. But whatever. The point is unless Keanu's doing a mean air guitar, I ain't interested.
amanda
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Dear Brooke Hogan,
For the love of all that is holy, please don't speak any more. Ever. Like not even to yourself quietly in an empty room. I don't know why you have your own show, but you do. I mean, it's VH1 and we all know while their countdowns rock, they'll pretty much give a show to anyone. Also, I don't know whose bright idea it was to sit you down and let you talk about politics. But they should not only be fired, they should be taken out back and beaten about the head and neck.
Seriously, the idea of someone saying that a woman shouldn't be president because she might get all hormonal once a month and make poor decisions is absurd. The fact that you're a woman yourself, well that's just un-freaking-believable.
Besides, let's be honest here. If a woman in is the position to be even thinking of running for president, she's probably at the age that PMS isn't going to be a big issue for her. Menopause, maybe.
So, if you could just sit down and shut up for a while, that'd be super.
amanda
For the love of all that is holy, please don't speak any more. Ever. Like not even to yourself quietly in an empty room. I don't know why you have your own show, but you do. I mean, it's VH1 and we all know while their countdowns rock, they'll pretty much give a show to anyone. Also, I don't know whose bright idea it was to sit you down and let you talk about politics. But they should not only be fired, they should be taken out back and beaten about the head and neck.
Seriously, the idea of someone saying that a woman shouldn't be president because she might get all hormonal once a month and make poor decisions is absurd. The fact that you're a woman yourself, well that's just un-freaking-believable.
Besides, let's be honest here. If a woman in is the position to be even thinking of running for president, she's probably at the age that PMS isn't going to be a big issue for her. Menopause, maybe.
So, if you could just sit down and shut up for a while, that'd be super.
amanda
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Saturday, May 17, 2008
Dear George Lucas,
How 'bout you let us see the 4th Indiana Jones' movie before you start dropping hints about a 5th, hmm?
Choose wisely,
amanda
Dear McDonalds,
First of all, love the Iced Coffee. That 32 oz cup is a lovely idea. And I can also agree that a good chicken sandwhich is indeed a thing of beauty, but I seriously thing that attributing it to the triumph of the American spirit is overstating it just a tad.
Also, everyone knows you're totally ripping off Chick-fil-a and a black and white commercial isn't gonna change that.
Amanda
P.S. I'm not convinced that pickles belong on a chicken sandwich. Ever.
How 'bout you let us see the 4th Indiana Jones' movie before you start dropping hints about a 5th, hmm?
Choose wisely,
amanda
Dear McDonalds,
First of all, love the Iced Coffee. That 32 oz cup is a lovely idea. And I can also agree that a good chicken sandwhich is indeed a thing of beauty, but I seriously thing that attributing it to the triumph of the American spirit is overstating it just a tad.
Also, everyone knows you're totally ripping off Chick-fil-a and a black and white commercial isn't gonna change that.
Amanda
P.S. I'm not convinced that pickles belong on a chicken sandwich. Ever.
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Saturday, May 03, 2008
Dear The 1980's,
Don't think I don't see this comeback you're staging. Sure, it's subtle, but I know what's going on. I can see the signs. First Knightrider is back on primetime, Madonna's dancing around MTV in her underpants, and most notably New Kids On The Block are reuniting. This, I think, was a particularly low blow. However, it has brought Robert Downey, Jr. to my local theater in a starring role again, so admittedly it's not all bad.
But let's get one thing straight, the hair, in all it's Aqua-Net-ed glory, must STAY IN THE PAST. I think if we can agree on this, we'll all be alright. Because seriously, that hair? Gag me with a spoon.
amanda
Don't think I don't see this comeback you're staging. Sure, it's subtle, but I know what's going on. I can see the signs. First Knightrider is back on primetime, Madonna's dancing around MTV in her underpants, and most notably New Kids On The Block are reuniting. This, I think, was a particularly low blow. However, it has brought Robert Downey, Jr. to my local theater in a starring role again, so admittedly it's not all bad.
But let's get one thing straight, the hair, in all it's Aqua-Net-ed glory, must STAY IN THE PAST. I think if we can agree on this, we'll all be alright. Because seriously, that hair? Gag me with a spoon.
amanda
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Dear DMV,
For the sake of time and my own sanity I’m not even going to touch the absolutely inconceivable amount of time it takes to get anything done there or the incomprehensible system that you use to decide who is next. (I know you’re just back there pulling numbers out of a hat, so just drop the act.) And between the complete randomness of your so-called "system," the apathy and disdain from your employees and the absolute mind-numbing ridiculousness of the conversations going on in the waiting area it’s enough to push any sane person over the edge. And would it KILL you to have a vending machine? Seriously, we’re tired, we’re hot, and we could use some refreshment.
Anyway, like I said, that’s not the point of this letter.
My Question is this:
WHY do you still accept cash only? What other business or orginization do you know that accepts cash only? Huh? Can you think of any? Because I can’t think of one place of business where payment is required that accepts cash only. So what’s the deal? We are almost a decade into the 21st century. What’s holding you back? I think it’s safe to assume that this whole debit card thing isn’t just a passing fad. It’s here to stay. Don’t you think it’s time you started limping you’re way into this century? Join us. It’s nice here.
amanda
Dear Craig Ferguson,
Hi there. I think you’re great. I’ve liked you since you played Drew Carey’s boss. And I think it’s genius that you have your own late night talk show. Genius! I admire the fact that when Britney Spears had just shaved her head you didn’t join in on the bashing. Instead of making jokes you recognized a cry for help and refused to treat the situation with sarcasm. Good for you. Way to hold on to your compassion!
And it helps that you’re stinking hilarious as well.
amanda
PS. the scottish accent doesn’t hurt!
Dear CSI: New York,
I admit I never really gave you a chance. I always thought you were second best. Not as bad as Miami but not as great as Las Vegas. But last week I sat down and gave you a fair shot. I watched you thinking of you as just another crime drama and not comparing you directly to CSI. Now I see that you can hold your own in the crime drama genre. There is a greater focus on characters. And it’s easy to get involved. So, I think you’ll see where I’m coming from when I say this. If you break up Danny and Lindsay I will be most put out. And the boycott will be on. Why do you spend 2 full seasons getting them together just to spend one episode breaking them up? WHY? You are not Friends. Don’t follow the Ross and Rachel Roadmap. That leads to sad and disgruntled fans holding out hope till the VERY LAST STINKING EPISODE. Okay, so maybe that was a little residual bitterness, but the point is still valid. Don’t go there, CSI: New York. It’s not fun.
Your Newest Fan,
amanda
Dear Espresso Shots,
Wow you’re hot. Especially when some strange accidental cup tilt makes you spill across the face. Not fun.
Not fun at all.
amanda
For the sake of time and my own sanity I’m not even going to touch the absolutely inconceivable amount of time it takes to get anything done there or the incomprehensible system that you use to decide who is next. (I know you’re just back there pulling numbers out of a hat, so just drop the act.) And between the complete randomness of your so-called "system," the apathy and disdain from your employees and the absolute mind-numbing ridiculousness of the conversations going on in the waiting area it’s enough to push any sane person over the edge. And would it KILL you to have a vending machine? Seriously, we’re tired, we’re hot, and we could use some refreshment.
Anyway, like I said, that’s not the point of this letter.
My Question is this:
WHY do you still accept cash only? What other business or orginization do you know that accepts cash only? Huh? Can you think of any? Because I can’t think of one place of business where payment is required that accepts cash only. So what’s the deal? We are almost a decade into the 21st century. What’s holding you back? I think it’s safe to assume that this whole debit card thing isn’t just a passing fad. It’s here to stay. Don’t you think it’s time you started limping you’re way into this century? Join us. It’s nice here.
amanda
Dear Craig Ferguson,
Hi there. I think you’re great. I’ve liked you since you played Drew Carey’s boss. And I think it’s genius that you have your own late night talk show. Genius! I admire the fact that when Britney Spears had just shaved her head you didn’t join in on the bashing. Instead of making jokes you recognized a cry for help and refused to treat the situation with sarcasm. Good for you. Way to hold on to your compassion!
And it helps that you’re stinking hilarious as well.
amanda
PS. the scottish accent doesn’t hurt!
Dear CSI: New York,
I admit I never really gave you a chance. I always thought you were second best. Not as bad as Miami but not as great as Las Vegas. But last week I sat down and gave you a fair shot. I watched you thinking of you as just another crime drama and not comparing you directly to CSI. Now I see that you can hold your own in the crime drama genre. There is a greater focus on characters. And it’s easy to get involved. So, I think you’ll see where I’m coming from when I say this. If you break up Danny and Lindsay I will be most put out. And the boycott will be on. Why do you spend 2 full seasons getting them together just to spend one episode breaking them up? WHY? You are not Friends. Don’t follow the Ross and Rachel Roadmap. That leads to sad and disgruntled fans holding out hope till the VERY LAST STINKING EPISODE. Okay, so maybe that was a little residual bitterness, but the point is still valid. Don’t go there, CSI: New York. It’s not fun.
Your Newest Fan,
amanda
Dear Espresso Shots,
Wow you’re hot. Especially when some strange accidental cup tilt makes you spill across the face. Not fun.
Not fun at all.
amanda
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Sunday, March 09, 2008
Dear Robert Irvine,
HA! I KNEW IT. Cooked for the royal family, my foot. I never really liked your show anyway. Always so pompous with the people helping you. "I've cooked for Presidents and Kings" What. Ever.
You know, Bobby Flay doesn't have to lie.
Amanda
Dear Food Network,
Given the incident with the guy from Next Food Network Star lying about the details of his service in the military and now Robert Irvine "embellishing" (Read: flat-out lying. The liar.) his resume, perhaps it is time to institute a policy where you ask for references and you know, actually check them. Seriously, it's called a fact-checker. Look into it.
Maybe I'll just stick with Top Chef for now,
Amanda
Dear Batman,
Hi. How's it going? I don't really have anything to say to you, but Joel required a letter to you.
So.
Sorry about your parents. That's a real bummer. It's nice that you've turned your thirst for vengence into a way to help society at large. Good for you. Not sure it's entirely healthy, but whatever. As long as it helps you sleep at night. Or during the day. Or whenever bats sleep.
Love the belt,
Amanda
HA! I KNEW IT. Cooked for the royal family, my foot. I never really liked your show anyway. Always so pompous with the people helping you. "I've cooked for Presidents and Kings" What. Ever.
You know, Bobby Flay doesn't have to lie.
Amanda
Dear Food Network,
Given the incident with the guy from Next Food Network Star lying about the details of his service in the military and now Robert Irvine "embellishing" (Read: flat-out lying. The liar.) his resume, perhaps it is time to institute a policy where you ask for references and you know, actually check them. Seriously, it's called a fact-checker. Look into it.
Maybe I'll just stick with Top Chef for now,
Amanda
Dear Batman,
Hi. How's it going? I don't really have anything to say to you, but Joel required a letter to you.
So.
Sorry about your parents. That's a real bummer. It's nice that you've turned your thirst for vengence into a way to help society at large. Good for you. Not sure it's entirely healthy, but whatever. As long as it helps you sleep at night. Or during the day. Or whenever bats sleep.
Love the belt,
Amanda
Friday, March 07, 2008
Friday, March 07, 2008
Dear Iron Man,
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
Congratulations, you are my new favorite superhero. Because any superhero who can be played by Robert Downey, Jr. is clearly deserving of my love.
amanda
PS. Wicked theme song!
Dear Robert Downey Jr.,
I don't care how many times you go to rehab or how many truly awful mugshots you have, I still love you.
You had me at Weird Science,
amanda
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Dear Customer,
Because you are well over the age of 40, living in a capitalism driven country and it's 2008, I'm gonna have to assume you've bought something at a store before. This assumption leads me to believe that this process is not new to you, as it is pretty much the same in every single store. So, it should come to no surprise to you that PAYMENT will be required at some point in the transaction. So, please, PLEASE, at least give this a passing thought before you get to the front of the line. Please do not start searching in your wallet or purse or pockets AFTER I have finished ringing you up. Frankly, I'm beginning to think the soup nazi had it right all along.
No Coffee for You!
amanda
Dear Customer,
Please be advised: Regular is not a size. At least not here. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to say the ridiculous names - tall, grande and 20 ounce. I agree, those are fairly ridiculous. I will gladly accept small, medium and large. But regular is not a size. It is a type of coffee. So, when you ask for a regular coffee and I ask what size, do not reply with 'Regular.' Clearly, this wasn't enough the first time, it's not going to be enough the second time. You're NOT CUTE. Also, when asked what size, miming the size with your hands will not be acceptable either. That's just dumb. You've had drinks before. You've had coffee before. You know about what size you want. This isn't the movies, if you ask for a large it's not like I'm going to hand you a 64 ounce coffee.
Please learn to function in society,
amanda
Dear Customer,
If you don't know what a drink is, don't pretend you do! You don't have to fake it with me. I won't think less of you if you ask me to explain a drink. I won't treat you like you're stupid. Well, I'll try not to anyway. But please, PLEASE, do not order something if you don't know what it is. If you don't know what a double shot of espresso is, trust me when I say you won't like it. Also, the cappuccino at a coffee shop is vastly different from the one at the gas station. So don't order a cappuccino and come back and complain that it's not sweet. All you have to do is ask! That's it. Not knowing the difference between a Breve and a Caramel Macchiato is nothing to be ashamed of. JUST ASK.
Full of knowledge and ready to impart it,
Amanda
Because you are well over the age of 40, living in a capitalism driven country and it's 2008, I'm gonna have to assume you've bought something at a store before. This assumption leads me to believe that this process is not new to you, as it is pretty much the same in every single store. So, it should come to no surprise to you that PAYMENT will be required at some point in the transaction. So, please, PLEASE, at least give this a passing thought before you get to the front of the line. Please do not start searching in your wallet or purse or pockets AFTER I have finished ringing you up. Frankly, I'm beginning to think the soup nazi had it right all along.
No Coffee for You!
amanda
Dear Customer,
Please be advised: Regular is not a size. At least not here. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not asking you to say the ridiculous names - tall, grande and 20 ounce. I agree, those are fairly ridiculous. I will gladly accept small, medium and large. But regular is not a size. It is a type of coffee. So, when you ask for a regular coffee and I ask what size, do not reply with 'Regular.' Clearly, this wasn't enough the first time, it's not going to be enough the second time. You're NOT CUTE. Also, when asked what size, miming the size with your hands will not be acceptable either. That's just dumb. You've had drinks before. You've had coffee before. You know about what size you want. This isn't the movies, if you ask for a large it's not like I'm going to hand you a 64 ounce coffee.
Please learn to function in society,
amanda
Dear Customer,
If you don't know what a drink is, don't pretend you do! You don't have to fake it with me. I won't think less of you if you ask me to explain a drink. I won't treat you like you're stupid. Well, I'll try not to anyway. But please, PLEASE, do not order something if you don't know what it is. If you don't know what a double shot of espresso is, trust me when I say you won't like it. Also, the cappuccino at a coffee shop is vastly different from the one at the gas station. So don't order a cappuccino and come back and complain that it's not sweet. All you have to do is ask! That's it. Not knowing the difference between a Breve and a Caramel Macchiato is nothing to be ashamed of. JUST ASK.
Full of knowledge and ready to impart it,
Amanda
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Tuesday, January 08, 2008
Dear Kraft Mac&Cheese,
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.
Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda
the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?
(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)
Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?
Thank you for whatever material that little pouch holding the powdered cheese is made of. I cannot count the number of times it has ended up dropped in boiling water because I forgot to take it out of the box before I poured the noodles in. So thank you for making the pouch out of that weird paper/foil combo that is somehow able to withstand boiling hot water while I scramble around for a ladle or something to dip it out with.
Proving that it is easy bein' cheesy,
amanda
the following are letters written to various types of customers at the store.
Dear Customer,
Why, why WHY can you not put your cell phone down for the few seconds it would take for you to check out? Is what you're talking about so very important? NO! It's not. I know because you're having the conversation right in front of me while I am trying to ring you up and take your coffee order. How difficult would it be to ask whoever's on the other line listening to you whine to hold on for just one minute? Not very difficult at all. But that would require just a little bit of respect for others around you. I'm just trying to do my job! So here's the plan, from now on if you can't show me the common courtesy of not talking to someone else while I am taking your order I'll no longer be showing you the courtesy of speaking quietly so as not to interrupt your phone call. I will be asking every single question I can think of in a very loud annoying voice. And if that doesn't deter the phone calls then I will stand and wait for you to finish with that conversation so you can have a conversation with me. Or maybe I'll call a coworker over and have a conversation with them instead of listening to you. How does that sound?
(dis)respectfully yours,
amanda
(& and every other food service/retail industry worker in the world)
Dear Customers who feel the need to ask if we have a lid for your coffee,
No. As a matter of fact, we don't have lids. We're the only coffee shop in the KNOWN UNIVERSE who doesn't have lids. We have no regard for your personal safety. We're going to let you walk around with that hot beverage completely unprotected.
Stop being such an idiot and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear customer who asks for the coffee to go,
Of course, you can have that coffee to go. This isn't FRIENDS. You're getting your coffee to go whether you wanted it that way or not. So, once again, shut up and let me do my job.
amanda
Dear Naive little customer,
No. Those pastries are not made fresh daily. This is a bookstore. Where do you think we have the facilities for baking pastries fresh every morning? If you're looking for fresh, might I suggest a BAKERY?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
